Dear Me,

Dear Future Me,

Do you remember this day?

You woke up at 5am, you snuggled with AJ as long as you could  - before your sneezing fit started.  AJ groaned and held tight to your wrist…willing you to stay in bed with him.  You rubbed his sore back for a while, played with his hair until he fell back to sleep.

Then you grabbed your lap top and snuck out to the living room.  You were thrilled that the living room was still quite toasty from the fire you had going all day yesterday.  You stoked the hot coals and realized that they weren’t quite hot enough to get itself going again.  After some newspaper and kindling additions, it sprung back to life.  You sat there looking at the wood burning stove, reveling in the glow.  After turning on the coffee pot and grabbing the laptop (hmm…wonder if you still have the same one…), you sat down to check email and your favorite sites…  You cried while reading the NieNie Dialogues.  Her story touches you to your core.  You felt a surge of thankfulness for your life.  For that moment.  For the health and safety of your family.  For your eyes and cheeks and butt.  For the ability to run and bend and juggle and wrestle.

Your beautiful daughter Bailey (13), still fuzzy from sleep, walked into the living room with a “hi mommy” and a “why are you crying??”.  After explaining the gist of the story to her, she said (always so empathetic) “I’m so sorry”.

The coffee wasn’t as good to you this morning, for some reason.  It just felt strange going down.

Your other babies were still all in their beds.  You woke them up, one by one.  Except for the baby – she was already calling from her bed – “Mommy, I awake.  I get out.”

From then on, you sort of wandered around with your mug of coffee, giving orders and reminders.  Finding AJ’s white undershirt, putting braids in Kenzie’s hair, finding Z’s socks, getting breakfast for the baby.

You happened to look up and out the window  (something you’ve been reminding yourself to do more often).  You grabbed the camera, shoved the battery in that had been charging overnight, slipped on AJ’s uggs and walked outside.  As was getting to be the norm, you got butterflies when the thought flitted across your brain that this place was YOURS.

After throwing on a baseball cap and a jacket, you texted the bus driver (we’re tight like that) to tell her that you’d be taking the kiddos to school today.  Bailey had an ortho appointment and was going to school late.  It made sense to drop the other kids off on the way to Paso…

The appointment went much more quickly than you had anticipated and before the baby was even settled and playing with the toys in the office, Bailey was walking out with an “I’m done!”  You wrapped the baby back up in a blanket for the walk back to the car.  She can walk, mind you, but do you remember that you forgot both the baby’s pants and socks AND shoes on your way out of the house this morning??

Bailey then begged (BEGGED) for donuts.  It really had been forever since you’d let any of them have donuts.  Since you’d had a donut either.  A quick stop at a nearby Donut Shoppe cleared that up.

You chatted with your incredible daughter all the way home.  Told stories back and forth, told the baby to be quiet. Told Bailey to wait till 30 to have kids.

You let her go home before taking her to school to finish a page of homework that was due and she had forgotten to do…. what a wonderful mother you are 

You talked to a new girlfriend sometime that morning and she wasn’t feeling well at all.  She has 2 little ones and you felt her pain. You asked if there was anything that you could do.  She needed Crisco.  On the way to B’s school, you stopped at the LWood store, bought some Crisco (for the first time, maybe??).  After dropping an “excited to see her friends” B off, you went to aforementioned friend’s house and dropped off the Crisco.  You stayed a little longer than you had intended, but the kids enjoyed playing and you really did enjoy the visit.  You really like her.  She’s genuine.

You came home, fed the baby lunch, switched the laundry, talked to a friend on the phone that you forgot to call back yesterday…  She’s having a tough time too.  Your heart broke for her.

You thought for a while about motivation and wishing you had more of it.  You wish you had more IDEAS, more “OOMPH”.  You have ‘get up and go’ but you just wish you had more DIRECTION.  You wish you ACTED on your creative impulses more frequently.  You wish you just DID what you thought about and BELIEVED in it.  TRUSTED yourself more.

Then the buzzer on the washing machine sounded and you scurried back to the garage.

The baby kept SQUEEZING your face today, looking intensely into your eyes, saying things like “I LOOOOVE you” and “You a bad girl, I gonna ‘pank you butt”.  I know, she’s random and she’s yours.  I hope its not too obvious 

You then let her rot her brain on Sprout tv.   You thought about writing them a love letter.

You took the 4 kids you had with you today and went to Lauren Grant’s volleyball game.  It was good for you to be there –  good for you to support her and her family.

“Not right now, we’ve got 30 seconds left in the half”.  Were words you really never thought you’d hear spoken in your living room.  And yet they just were – by your husband to your son who just asked if he could pause the football game they were playing to go get a drink…

And now, future me, you had great ideas about writing all of this down for you.  But now your eyes are closing all by themselves.

You are exhausted.

I sure wish you could tell me I’m doing  a good job.

Sarah

'Nuggle me

Today:

The moment I open my eyes in the morning, I am a sneezing maniac for about 2 minutes.  why is this?  Nothing feels less sexy.  Not even morning breath.

I walked into the bedroom this morning with two mugs of coffee.  One for AJ and my newly reheated one.  I saw one of those sights that you wish oh so badly to capture, but they slip through your fingers… AJ and Capri snugglin.  ”scratch my back”, then “scratch my tummy” and “please stop, daddy, that tickles…” Then a “mommy, come ‘nuggle me”.

On another, less sweet and poignant note, I do not know how to organize my days.  The hours just sort of run together… If I were to set a legit, hardcore schedule, I know I would be bored with it within 24 hours, so why bother anyway?

My fridge keeps freezing my eggs.    And I have no  idea why?  Just the ones toward the back of the fridge.  I’ve turned the temp down to 3… can’t do it more or it’d be off (lowest is 1 – highest is 9).  Try whisking frozen eggs.  weird.

It took me a little longer than usual to start a fire today.  The kindling was a little too damp.  It was smoky.  Added more newspaper and found the dry stuff – now we’re cozy.

The things I know now.

My washing machine pipe outside the house has two breaks in it.  lovely.  Water and suds are spurting out where they most certainly shouldn’t be.  Must call Wonderful Plumber.

My newly 3 three year old just walked in nakie, asking me to help her put on one of the 10 years old’s training bras.

yep.

AudioBooks save my life.  They provide me with a level of sanity that I didn’t remember that I was capable of achieving.  There is something about having one earbud in, listening to a well-written novel.  Better than tv, than movies.  I’ve always refused to turn on the tv during the day, mainly because I would NOT get anything done. Stories suck me in and own me heart and soul.  I cannot tear myself away from then.  It truly doesn’t matter how predictable the plot may be – I must find out what happens.  Thus, I cannot let myself start.  (I even want to find out what SpongeBob said to Squidward at the end of the episode).  IRKS me when I don’t know ‘what ended up happening’…

I ate Kix for lunch and now the roof of my mouth hurts.

Dinner turned out fine – nobody freaked out about how delicious it was or anything, but they’re not going to bed hungry.

I’m tired and that’s all I can remember from today.

Smooches and Squeezes,

Sarah

Cracking myself up...

You would think with the number of words that pass into my ears and out my mouth on a daily basis, I would have plenty to write down here.  I actually think in what I consider “posts”, but by the time my hiney sees a flat surface, all those cleverly concise thoughts have completely ‘poofed’ right out of my head.

Today, for instance, was full of hapless happenings.

Here I go again – down on myself… if only I was smarter, if only I could remember to carry around those 3×5 cards to jot my notes and thoughts on.  I did think of it, actually, but then realized I was wearing clothes with no pockets.  and my cell phone was already in one side of my bra.  and I didn’t want to get the index card all sweaty and moist.  and the pen was pokey.

Today started out as most of our Sundays do.  Slightly stressful because we’re SUPPOSED TO RELAX.  I’ve always been rebellious of ‘supposed to’s’ and that expectation alone makes it nearly impossible for me to relax.   Maybe I shouldn’t drink 3 cups of coffee on a Sunday morning.  There’s that tell-tale smart coming through again…

I cooked customized breakfasts for almost everyone  -  egg whites and turkey bacon for the Babe, eggs and regular bacon for Punk, cereal and toast for Z and Kenz and Saylor (S came over Saturday afternoon – I needed him to stay ’cause Bay was at a b’day party sleepover and it felt wrong not having that extra kid there.)  N isn’t here this weekend – they’re painting the new house and, I’m sure, getting very excited for the permanent move there.

After breakfast, I cleaned the kitchen and closed it.  I wish I had a roll-down door that REALLY closed it, but saying (yelling) “KITCHEN’S CLOSED!” will have to do for now.

By 11am, I had done practically nothing else except nag, clean, drink coffee, start laundry, talk to Babe, surf the net, answer emails, check fb, text Bay to see if she was ready to be picked up…. which she was, so….

C, Kenz and I piled in Babe’s truck and drove down the road, through the gate and off to the b’day girl’s house.  B said it was the best sleepover EVER.

Kenz and I were still to stunned to speak, after what we had witnessed making the left turn at the store.   What B thought was unhappiness about seeing her was just K and I processing the why’s and wherefore’s and OMG’s of what we saw.

Of course we had to go back the same way and this time we had to stop and document.  Not out of any sort of disrespect, but pure curiosity.

Kenz looked at me and said wryly “you know you live in the country when…..”

I’ll get into my opinions of coyotes and what I really think about the above photo at a later date.  Maybe.

We all recovered from our shock.  After seeing what we had seen, Bay understood our expressions.

Because I’m a parent, I think that hard work of some sort should accompany or precede or follow any sort of fun had by one of my offspring.  They can’t go have a sleepover and cake and hamburgers and more cake at 1am and laugh and dance and play volleyball in the moonlight and not suffer – at least a little bit!!

So I put B to work.  Lamb area, chicken area, tidy up!  Put your lamb bin away!  Put that plate back in the house!  Why is there a plate out here?!  And tupperware!  This is disgusting!  Its irresponsible!  Pick up that hose!  What? There’s red ants on it?!  Then move faster!!  Move faster than the ants! Stomp your feet!  They don’t like that – Don’t just stand there!!

After I had done a good deal of yelling and felt as though she had suffered and paid for the cake I didn’t get to eat…. I let her go inside.

I was feeling cleansed and inspired after whipping a few things into shape, so I went to the barn and got the weed whacker.  There were a few ‘big ones’ that were bugging me.  I felt on top of the world.  I kept thinking to myself things such as “man, I’m such a hard worker… I always knew I had this in me… I’m the coolest chick ever.  Look at me in my aviator sunglasses and muckers.  I don’t care about outward appearances, I just like getting stuff DONE.  Yeah, baby…. I can fill this sucker with mixed gas and start it – just watch me.  Babe had to help me ACTUALLY start it ’cause I simply couldn’t figure out the stupid switch, but after that, it was all ME.  I slung the strap over my shoulder and off I went.  Babe’s “what are you doing??” pleadings going unheeded by this self-sufficient me.

Weeds literally bowed to my bad girl attitude.  I swung this orange and black side-kick like I knew what was what.  If anyone saw me, they would’ve been impressed.  It wasn’t as easy as I had originally thought as the hour progressed, however, but as sweat dripped down my back and face and I flinched as bits of plant, rock and grass stung my arms and legs…I wasn’t about to give up on my goal of getting stuff DONE.

And…that’s when my ‘sidekick’ betrayed me by literally SLICING into a pipe near the lamb pen.   Water started spraying everywhere…  I desperately looked around for a shut off valve, no luck.

Walking into the house to get Babe was excruciating.  ”ummm….babe….”.  Trying to sound confident and contrite at the same time.  Trying to sound nonchalant… not wanting the panic to show through… or the deflated pride.

Babe to the rescue.  Away from his relaxing Sunday of baseball and snuggling with our offspring.  Off to help his damsel in distress… or should I say stressful damsel…

Chagrined, I went in the house to spend a waterless afternoon.

Once the glue had dried, we were able to turn the water back on to the house and dinner was made, dishes were washed, baths were given, pride was restored.

I am now sitting in bed with Babe, writing this out and watching a horridly funny hbo show.

So, that was my first try at blogging.

xo

First Fires...

We have lit our first fire of the season.  I feel almost tearful – so thrilled that we’re all together…all under one roof…all here on our ten acres of heaven.  Roast chicken is out of the oven and waiting to be carved.  Sweet potato fries are minutes from being done.  The house smells divine.  My Z is on my left, my Kenz is on my right.  My Punk is running around as usual, my Bay is setting the table, my Nolie is fiddling with something in his room, AJ is sitting on the corner of the couch watching playoff baseball.

Deep breath.

This is real.

yay me 

Kenzie’s contribution:

I love my life, worry free and wonderful! 10 acres of beautiful land. I don’t know how we got here, but i LOVE it. School is good, boring as usual- but i think i’ll live. And trust me, i don’t miss Salinas a tiny bit. Actually getting to ride my bike farther than a few yards. And the local store is literally 35 to 40 SECONDS away! But 30 seconds is nothing compared to a 3 hour plane ride to Texas,but it’s worth it,seeing my family and friends.”Mackenzie,turn off the computer!”  -Sorry, gotta  go!

BYE!!!!