Dear Me,

Dear Future Me,

Do you remember this day?

You woke up at 5am, you snuggled with AJ as long as you could  - before your sneezing fit started.  AJ groaned and held tight to your wrist…willing you to stay in bed with him.  You rubbed his sore back for a while, played with his hair until he fell back to sleep.

Then you grabbed your lap top and snuck out to the living room.  You were thrilled that the living room was still quite toasty from the fire you had going all day yesterday.  You stoked the hot coals and realized that they weren’t quite hot enough to get itself going again.  After some newspaper and kindling additions, it sprung back to life.  You sat there looking at the wood burning stove, reveling in the glow.  After turning on the coffee pot and grabbing the laptop (hmm…wonder if you still have the same one…), you sat down to check email and your favorite sites…  You cried while reading the NieNie Dialogues.  Her story touches you to your core.  You felt a surge of thankfulness for your life.  For that moment.  For the health and safety of your family.  For your eyes and cheeks and butt.  For the ability to run and bend and juggle and wrestle.

Your beautiful daughter Bailey (13), still fuzzy from sleep, walked into the living room with a “hi mommy” and a “why are you crying??”.  After explaining the gist of the story to her, she said (always so empathetic) “I’m so sorry”.

The coffee wasn’t as good to you this morning, for some reason.  It just felt strange going down.

Your other babies were still all in their beds.  You woke them up, one by one.  Except for the baby – she was already calling from her bed – “Mommy, I awake.  I get out.”

From then on, you sort of wandered around with your mug of coffee, giving orders and reminders.  Finding AJ’s white undershirt, putting braids in Kenzie’s hair, finding Z’s socks, getting breakfast for the baby.

You happened to look up and out the window  (something you’ve been reminding yourself to do more often).  You grabbed the camera, shoved the battery in that had been charging overnight, slipped on AJ’s uggs and walked outside.  As was getting to be the norm, you got butterflies when the thought flitted across your brain that this place was YOURS.

After throwing on a baseball cap and a jacket, you texted the bus driver (we’re tight like that) to tell her that you’d be taking the kiddos to school today.  Bailey had an ortho appointment and was going to school late.  It made sense to drop the other kids off on the way to Paso…

The appointment went much more quickly than you had anticipated and before the baby was even settled and playing with the toys in the office, Bailey was walking out with an “I’m done!”  You wrapped the baby back up in a blanket for the walk back to the car.  She can walk, mind you, but do you remember that you forgot both the baby’s pants and socks AND shoes on your way out of the house this morning??

Bailey then begged (BEGGED) for donuts.  It really had been forever since you’d let any of them have donuts.  Since you’d had a donut either.  A quick stop at a nearby Donut Shoppe cleared that up.

You chatted with your incredible daughter all the way home.  Told stories back and forth, told the baby to be quiet. Told Bailey to wait till 30 to have kids.

You let her go home before taking her to school to finish a page of homework that was due and she had forgotten to do…. what a wonderful mother you are 

You talked to a new girlfriend sometime that morning and she wasn’t feeling well at all.  She has 2 little ones and you felt her pain. You asked if there was anything that you could do.  She needed Crisco.  On the way to B’s school, you stopped at the LWood store, bought some Crisco (for the first time, maybe??).  After dropping an “excited to see her friends” B off, you went to aforementioned friend’s house and dropped off the Crisco.  You stayed a little longer than you had intended, but the kids enjoyed playing and you really did enjoy the visit.  You really like her.  She’s genuine.

You came home, fed the baby lunch, switched the laundry, talked to a friend on the phone that you forgot to call back yesterday…  She’s having a tough time too.  Your heart broke for her.

You thought for a while about motivation and wishing you had more of it.  You wish you had more IDEAS, more “OOMPH”.  You have ‘get up and go’ but you just wish you had more DIRECTION.  You wish you ACTED on your creative impulses more frequently.  You wish you just DID what you thought about and BELIEVED in it.  TRUSTED yourself more.

Then the buzzer on the washing machine sounded and you scurried back to the garage.

The baby kept SQUEEZING your face today, looking intensely into your eyes, saying things like “I LOOOOVE you” and “You a bad girl, I gonna ‘pank you butt”.  I know, she’s random and she’s yours.  I hope its not too obvious 

You then let her rot her brain on Sprout tv.   You thought about writing them a love letter.

You took the 4 kids you had with you today and went to Lauren Grant’s volleyball game.  It was good for you to be there –  good for you to support her and her family.

“Not right now, we’ve got 30 seconds left in the half”.  Were words you really never thought you’d hear spoken in your living room.  And yet they just were – by your husband to your son who just asked if he could pause the football game they were playing to go get a drink…

And now, future me, you had great ideas about writing all of this down for you.  But now your eyes are closing all by themselves.

You are exhausted.

I sure wish you could tell me I’m doing  a good job.

Sarah